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Feb. 13th, 2008 | 10:22 pm
location: home
mood: soresore
music: evanescence
posted by: daydreamer22688 in poundbuddies

So here I go....

I've been overweight since I could remember. I think the first time though that I started feeling down on myself was when I was in Kindergarten, yes kindergarten. At the tender age of 5 I can say the world tainted me or in specific a little boy named John. I won't go into detail at what he said but it made me realize that I wasn't like the other little girls and boys, I was cubby, fat, overweight, 'big boned' whatever way you put it.

The world is a cruel place that judges us on our looks and it sucks.

I've lost weight, gained it back, lost it, gained it back and frankly I'm sick of it.

I always say I'm going to start tomorrow but for reals I'm going to start tomorrow, this has to end now.

I feel horrible about myself, I hate the way I look, who I am, how much I weight, I can't honestly find one good thing I like about myself. People can tell me all they want I'm beautiful, talented, ect. ect. but I don't believe it. I hope to one day I do, but as for now, I don't. I wish I could change it, but I've believed it for so long I don't know how to stop.

This never ending cycle of eating and gaining weight then losing it and hating myself has to stop. I have to lose this weight, I have to. Not just for me and for the superficial world but for my health, for me, for my sanity. And also for the buisness I want to enter. Nikki may have been able to make it so far in Hollywood, but she was lucky, I don't consider myself that lucky, plus she is beautiful and confident, I wish I was half the woman she is however I am not.

I hope this works because I'm starting to lose hope, I know I'm not even 20 yet, but I feel like I'm never going to lose weight, that I'm doomed to be fat forever and live a lonely life regretting every choice I've ever made. I'm scared not just for me but for what I've become, because of being overweight for so long.

I want to lose 80lbs. I hope to do so and I hope I can walk with confidence after I do so.

I love you guys and if anyone can help me change for the better it's all of you!

Tomorrow when I wake up is a brand new morning and a brand new day.

I just hope that one morning when I wake up I can look in the mirror and say "I love myself" because I never have, and I need to.

Peace, love, daydreams,


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